'Call Back'

If you have gone a little way ahead of me, call back­;
'Twill cheer my heart and help my feet along the stony track;
And if, perchance, Faith's light is dim, because the oil is low,
Your call will guide my lagging course as wearily I go.

Call back, and tell me that He went with you into the storm;
Call back, and say He kept you when the forest's roots were torn;
That when the heavens thundered and the earthquake shook the hill,
He bore you up and held you where the very air was still.

O friend, call back and tell me, for I cannot see your face;
They say it glows with triumph, and your feet bound in the race;
But there are mists between us, and my spirit eyes are dim,
And I cannot see the glory, though I long for word of Him.

But if you'll say He heard you when your prayer was but a cry,
And if you'll say He saw you through the night's sin-darkened sky,­
If you have gone a little way ahead, O friend, call back,­
'Twill cheer my heart and help my feet along the stony track.

- Unknown
(Quoted in Streams In The Desert devotional)

Though He slay me, yet I will hope in Him.

I've been reading Job recently. I've read it several times before, but this time I paid attention.  :)  I've really focused on God's sovereignty and His power, and of course, it's blowing my mind.

Do I REALLY trust God?  Or do I just trust Him when life is making sense to me, when everything is going well?  What if I have no income?  What if someone I love dearly was brutally murdered?  What if everything I had was destroyed, even my health?  Could I still trust, even then?  I mean, REALLY.  Cause...I had better be preparing for that day.  In this life we WILL have suffering.  It was promised to us.  But HE has overcome the world.

I was talking to Kyra about this term, 'slay,' a couple weeks ago.  Job said, 'Though he slay me, yet I will hope in Him.'  I was really struck by that word, 'slay.'  But as I studied it, I realized that I had the wrong perspective, not only as to the definition of that word, but of the whole concept of 'God slaying.'  I think the word 'slay,' initially conveys to us a terribly cruel death, simply out of God's frivolous whim or something.  It strikes us like some kind of sick religion, where the ruler kills people 'for the greater good.'  But let's process this.....

It is GOD who determines the lenghts of our lives, and God's sovereign hand over our life and death, yes?  Couldn't we say (completely un-morbidly) that it is God who 'kills' us? I mean...He allows us to die, doesn't He? And is death BAD, anyway? I thought 'to die is gain.'  So is it BAD, then, though shocking, yes, to say that God 'kills us'?   I submit that it's totally healthy and GOOD to acknowledge that God gives us life, and then HE takes life away.  'He gives and He takes away.  Blessed be the name of the Lord.'  Right?

So, I took that verse in Job to mean, 'though he allows my death, still I will trust Him. Though I might die in order to bring Him the most glory, I will love Him. I don't just hope in Him because He keeps me happy and safe."

Seriously.  This is a VERY important issue to figure out, I think.  Do I trust God, who has the power over life and death.  He has the POWER to stop anything, if he wishes.  Should He choose to NOT stop a death, can I still trust Him?  Oh, it would be hard.  SO very hard....so hard to SEE any kind of good.  But I don't have to.  HE is God, and if I trust Him, I can be confident in the good I do not yet see.  Supposing it was my own death we're talking about.  Can I trust Him in the face of my OWN pain and death?  Father, give me grace for that day, should it come.  All I know is- He has been faithful to me thus far, and so I trust Him.

All the Places I Want to Go and All the Roads I Don't Want to Take to Get There...

Lord, You know that I am weak, frail, and afraid.  Thank you for your patience and mercy to me.  You know how I beg you for wisdom and direction, and then whine and run in the opposite direction when it's given.

I want to do right, but I want to take the easy way.  I want to be a part of bringing glory to your name, but I don't want to leave my house.  I want to reach the nations with the message of You, but I want to make sure I can take a shower with warm water everyday.  I want to see You work miracles in remote areas, but I don't want to have to deal with any kind of bugs.

Moses begged off his calling.  Jonah ran.  Father, I want to found faithful and steadfast,  But I can't see what's coming.  Only You know how to prepare my heart for the future.  Please guide me.  I trust your strength.

...and for my friends, Lord....

Father,
Thank you for all of the friends you've given me.  Thank you for the encouragement they are to me, and for the blessing of encouraging them.  You know their hearts and their hurts.  You understand their needs.  Please lead them to find their fulfillment and answers in you.  I pray that you would align their hearts with yours.  Please keep them from becoming complacent.  Help them to be proactive, continually looking for new ways to impact others in order to bring glory to your name.  I pray for wisdom and discernment.  I pray that they would trust YOUR timing, and not what they want.  These dear friends...draw them closer to you through everything they go through and experience.  I praise you for your faithfulness.  You are GOOD and your mercy is forever,  Thank you for caring about our lives   Thank you for walking with us and for loving us.
Amen

What is a Dream?

My dream....
My dream has forever brought a smile to my lips.
As a child, my dream consumed my thoughts in play and in sleep.
As I've grown, my dream has crept deeper into my heart, yet farther from my mind.

Still...my dream remains very much alive.

My dream....
       That beautiful fancy that ignored, haunts my mind....
                                     that dismissed, disquiets my heart....
                                                that snubbed, leaves me wanting....wondering.

What is a dream?
Is it a gift from God?
If it is then God-ordained, how shall I proceed?
Shall I go forward in pursuit?

But what if my dream is but a distraction?
Oh, I am terrified that I should be found pursuing a temporal preoccupation.

Shall I say,
                                  'Oh, Child, impossible dreamer!
                                   Look where your fancies have led you?
                                   Discontented and misled....
                                   Begone from my thoughts, hopeless wishing!
                                   Afterall, I am grown and must act as such.
                                   This, my dream, was merely a child's play...'
                                  
Yet suppose...

Suppose my dream IS God-given?
Suppose His ways are not mine?
Suppose His thoughts are far above my own?

Who am I to say which path will bring God the most glory?
I know not but to trust.
He will lead.

Then shall I not simply hold my dream with open hands, trusting the Lord's leading?

My dream....
My dream, I will leave to His keeping.
After all, I believe my dream is also His.

then I heard my dad whisper, 'we do.'

I drafted a couple disclaimers for this entry.  Then I figured, 'hey, it's my blog, sharing my heart.  If people don't want to read it, they don't have to (and they won't, anyway).  Who needs disclaimers?'  So, brave soul, if you wanna tackle this one, read on.

Last Sunday at church was a 'Celebration Sunday.'  We have them every-so-often.  On such Sundays, we celebrate through baptism, baby dedication, welcoming new members to our church, rock-awesome worship, and usually a few personal testimonies.  These Sundays are really incredible....and to me, the things we celebrate are especially powerful and meaningful.

I wanted to share with you exactly what my pastor says at baby dedications at our church, so you can more fully understand the significance to me.  (I e-mailed the church and asked for a copy of what our pastor says, so you all could read it and I could be sure I didn't make anything up.)

Child Dedication


“The people brought children to Jesus, hoping he might touch them.  The disciples shooed them off.  But Jesus was irate and let them know it: ‘Don’t push these children away.  Don’t ever get between them and me.  These children are the very center of life in the kingdom…’ Then gathering the children up in his arms, he laid hands of blessing on them.”  Matthew 10:13-14, 16                 


“Fathers, don’t make your children bitter about life.  Instead, bring them up in Christian Discipline and instruction.”  Ephesians 6:4


“Fathers, don’t exasperate your children by coming down hard on them.  Take them by the hand and lead them in the way of the Master.”  Ephesians 6:4                                     

(Our pastor then talks about the father's role to be the spiritual leader of his home.  He talks about dad's loving their wives and mom's loving their husbands, in order to set an example for their children.)

If it be your intention to present this child to the Lord and to pledge yourselves to “bring him/her up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord,” please answer, “we do” to the following promises:


Do you here this day recognize this child as a gift from God, and give genuine thanks for God’s blessing?


Do you here this day understand that your role in the life of this child is that of a steward to the Lord?


Do you here this day pledge to provide for the physical, mental, and spiritual needs of this child?


Do you here this day pledge as parents that you will bring this child up “In the discipline and instruction of the Lord?"

(And then he explains the final vow.  Before he reads it, he always emphasizes how important it is that the parents MEAN this one, and think about the significance before they agree to it.  He explains that it can be very hard, because our plans for our children may not be God's plan.  Then he reads the vow twice before asking them to agree to it.)

Do you here this day surrender all of this child’s future to the Lord and commit to cooperate with God and submit to His perfect plan for him/her?





K, back up to this summer.
This summer in CA, when I began to share with my friends my decision to pursue career missions with New Tribes, the first question was always, 'What will your parents say?' 

See, a lot of parents will SAY that they want God's will for your life, but most of them don't even think of overseas missions.  What they really MEAN is that they want you to find God's will HERE.  They want you to find the right, nice young man whom God has picked out for you, settle down in the city and career He wants you to have, find a nice church where He has a place for you to plug in, and enjoy life.  Career missions....well, the thought has never crossed their mind, bless their hearts.  Really.  So when you present the idea, it's first a shock, then a concern for your safety, then a concern for your sanity at suggesting such an idea.  Initially, they can't even see it as a 'trusting God' issue, but as a 'now, be reasonable' issue.

So when I was asked, 'What will your parents say,' I knew what my friends expected me to reply.  But, well, my parents are not typical parents.  I knew, without even talking to them about it yet, that they would be for the idea.  Sure, they would have questions and concerns.  But I knew that when it boiled down to it, if my parents knew that career missions was what God wanted for me, though it wasn't safe, though it wasn't close by, though it would be hard, they would say, "Go. With our blessing."

How was I confident that this would be their response?  Well, see, 21 years ago, my parents dedicated me to the Lord in front of our church.  And when the pastor asked them to commit to that final, hard statement, I know that they meant it.  So this last Sunday, when they started the baby dedications, I started thinking about 21 years ago...and everything that's happened since then.  And when our pastor read that final vow, I was doing ok....then I heard my dad whisper, 'we do.'  That's when I lost it.

I love my parents so much and I just want to thank them, in front of the internet world.  'Thanks, Mom and Dad, for dedicating me to the Lord, and surrendering me to Him.  Thank you for being willing to cooperate with God for my future, and submit to the perfect plan HE has set out for me.  I love you both, so much.'

You Can't

You're right, you can't.
You can't make it through this.
You can't possibly keep going.
You're not strong enough...
                                        ...and you never have been...


Life is too big.
It's too long...
                    ...too hard....
                                              .....alone...


But you're not alone.
Oh, how often you forget!
How often you look only to yourself and expect that to be enough.
How often you ignore His ever-present help.
How often you come to Him exhausted, instead of seeking His help in the first place.

He will gladly guide you if you ask.
Don't you know that He loves to be asked?


Friend, He is faithful.
He will never abondon you.
He is stronger than anything that may arise against you.
He has already won the victory.

You will not give up.
You are not alone.




What a Friend we have in Jesus, all our sins and griefs to bear!
What a privilege to carry everything to God in prayer!
O what peace we often forfeit, O what needless pain we bear,
All because we do not carry everything to God in prayer.


Have we trials and temptations? Is there trouble anywhere?
We should never be discouraged; take it to the Lord in prayer.
Can we find a friend so faithful who will all our sorrows share?
Jesus knows our every weakness; take it to the Lord in prayer.


Are we weak and heavy laden, cumbered with a load of care?
Precious Savior, still our refuge, take it to the Lord in prayer.
Do your friends despise, forsake you? Take it to the Lord in prayer!
In His arms He’ll take and shield you; you will find a solace there.


Blessed Savior, Thou hast promised Thou wilt all our burdens bear
May we ever, Lord, be bringing all to Thee in earnest prayer.
Soon in glory bright unclouded there will be no need for prayer
Rapture, praise and endless worship will be our sweet portion there.

She Will Be Missed....

Today, the little blonde streak in front packed up shop and moved away to the land

where all happy little streaks, splotches, and such go when Natural color comes home....

She saw me through two years of college

She was good to me...

Her memory will live on...

(and who knows?  I may ask her back tomorrow....

She always WAS a favorite of mine...)

The Truth

        I've always been envious of the blogging community....Blogging is just so COOL!  Well, I'm planning to move away, to the ends of the earth, so I figured that a blog would be the best way to update people....People read blogs.  Facebook notes, now......not so much....
        Blogging is kinda scary though....what if something I say comes out wrong?  And also you have to be real in a blog.  If you're not gonna be honest, why put it out there to the world?  All of the people who really know you will end up posting 'that's not true,' anyway.   Well, I'll talk...and be as real as I know how...and pray that God will determine how my words hit people.  
       
         So I started a blog.  And I have to be honest.  Ok.  *deep breath*  Here goes....




I don't want to be a missionary.


 
        Whew!  Ok, I know, I know....I shouldn't say that.  But the thing is, well, the idea terrifies me.  Life is hard enough in the US.  And here, at least I know I will be warm, clothed, fed, and in contact with my family and friends. 
        But I'm going...and not kicking and screaming, either.  I don't want to 'be a missionary.'  They have to go through terrible, horrifying experiences, and deal with all kinds of uncertainty and rejection.  So, I'm tricking myself.  Instead of 'going to be a missionary,' I'm looking at it as 'taking this life I have to live, overseas!'  Yeah!  :)
       But seriously.  Why should I stay here and be comfortable, unless God divinely intervenes in my life?  I'd much rather walk forward in faith under the Great Commission, unless God divinely intervenes and tells me to STAY. 
       And the reason I CAN go, despite my fears?  Well, it's because I believe that the God who has been faithful to me thus far will continue to be.  This thing I'm embarking on...well, it would fail, I would fail unless God shows up.  I'm excited to watch Him come through in unanticipated ways.


So I just want to say this about that:
'Each time he said, “My grace is all you need. My power works best in weakness.” So now I am glad to boast about my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ can work through me.'  -2 Corinthians 12:9


'In his kindness God called you to share in his eternal glory by means of Christ Jesus. So after you have suffered a little while, he will restore, support, and strengthen you, and he will place you on a firm foundation.' -1 Peter 5:10


It'll be worth it, I know... 

:)

I would just like to say that God is SO good....


As of five minutes ago, I am debt-free.


Daddy and I are going to Bonefish to celebrate.

My Last Song

People talk about 'living each day as though it was your last." 


Well, I'm a musician, so I've altered it a little bit.  I'm going to choose to 'sing as though each song could be my last.'  And by that, I mean the whole bit about 'living each day.'


See, life used to be this huge, overwhelming, stressful thing to me.  I saw my remaining (likely) 60 years as a vast expanse of difficulty and pain, creeping closer and becoming thicker until it finally finished me off.  Death would be a relief, my escape from the tragedy we call earth.  Then I could be rid of this cursed world and finally be free from hurt.  Then I could sit at the Lord's feet forever and be fulfilled.


But this summer, I saw a glimpse into life, into a world bigger than myself.  I saw just a piece of the glorious plan God has to draw the world to Himself.  I realized the opportunity I have to be a part of this plan, to add new languages and styles of worship music to the Lord's playlist. (Stell)


Well....life is still big and overwhelming.  But now, even on really down days, I see life as but a breath.  What is 60ish years compared to eternity?  What difficulty and pain would I not gladly bear if it brought more glory to the Father?  My time is simply too short.


Before, my perspective had been that of Mary Clancy ('Trouble With Angels'), when she visited a nursing home, "I hope I die young, and very wealthy."  I longed so desperately to throw off this physical pain of earth, and dance into Heaven.  Then I realized, no, when it comes down to it, I would rather be completely spent for my Father on earth.  I would rather be carried into the rooms He has gone ahead to prepare for me, than walk in, by my own strength which I was too selfish to use for Him on earth.


Because of this, I've decided to keep on singing....singing as though there was no tomorrow.  And you'd be surprised what you can sing through if you count today as your last.  If I knew I could be singing in glory by morning, well then I want my last song on earth to be one of praise to my Lord all through the long, dark, night....

Autobiography

Purity
         Joy
               Innocence

Growth
         Knowledge
                        Discovery

Confusion
              Pain
                    Despair....
Doctors

Friendship
               Loyalty
                        Memories

Music
        Passion
                  Beauty...

Truth

Christ
        Peace
                Purpose

Age
      Burden
                Family

Love
       Desire
                Abandon

Patience
           Longing....
                               Heaven