I came across this story that I had written, over a year ago, when I was first headed to the New Tribes Missionary Training Center. It no longer seems fitting to my life, but someone might benefit from it, so I'm posting it anyway. :)
(Walking with Him in the cool of the evening....)
*looking up, with a sigh* I was ashamed today....
Ashamed, Dearest? Of me?
Yes. Well no. I mean, I didn't MEAN to be. I just... I found myself blurting out a misleading answer to a simple question. And before I knew it, I was...I was avoiding the opportunity to talk about you, and rambling on about....some trivial thing.
What 'trivial thing?'
Well, see, they asked me about college, and then if I was going to grad school. And I AM going to a KIND of school....after I have graduated, so...I said yes. Then they asked for more details, and I just, kinda, acted like I'm continuing in music-training, post-college...
Why did you feel like you needed to do that?
Well.....I don't know. They didn't look like people who would care about...I mean, who would understand if I said that I was...I...I don't really know. Somehow, I thought it would just be simpler to mention music and move on.
But they didn't move on?
No...they kept prodding. And by then, I had to keep on running circles around their questions so that it would SOUND credible, without actually lying.
Did you think you would get a better tip that way?
Oh, no, I didn't really think about the money.
Did you think they would mock you if you told them you were pursuing missions?
No...I don't think so....
What happened after that?
Well....it turned out that they were believers, too. They started telling me about activities at their church, and, well.... Immediately I was ashamed of mySELF, for having acted ashamed of you. I don't know why I didn't just tell them in the first place. I don't know why....I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. I'm NOT ashamed of You, of the Gospel. I'm so proud and blessed to be a part. I WANT to be a part...I want to share it with others. I don't understand why I responded that way.
Dearest, I am never ashamed of you.
......I know.....
I WANT to include you in what I'm doing to bring glory to my name, to see the nations come to know me, to see people from EVERY tribe, tongue, and language praising me on earth, and before my thrown in Heaven.
....I know......I don't know why I responded the way I did. Please forgive me. Please make my perspective to ALWAYS be focused on you, boldly sharing about my love for you. Please fill my heart so full of your love for others that it spills out in everyday conversation. Please make me SO EXCITED about what you're doing, that I want to share that with EVERYONE I meet, even if it's "random people" at work. I know nothing is random with you.
You can trust me to do all of these things. As we spend this time together, I am aligning your heart with mine, filling you with MY love for others. It's because of MY love that you can love others, and desire to show them my love. I love you more than you will ever be able to comprehend or imagine.
I love you too....Please teach me how to love you more....
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